Wed, Feb. 4th, 2004, 11:35 pm
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Cigars smoked today: Three
Meals eaten: Three
Crying episodes: Two - Tried to watch My First Mister again but I had to stop because it reminded me too much of Jamie. After he died I had this horrible picture of him laying at the bottom of the cliff he fell off of. His father is at the top of the cliff looking down at his broken son. Jamie reaches for his father and then his arm falls to his side and his eyes close for the last time. Watching that movie made that image come back into my head and I broke down crying all over Keith.
The second crying episode was while watching Patch Adams with Keith. I broke down during the part where Carin is talking about how men have been "attracted" to her all her life. She envied the catapillers because no matter who they were or what happened to them they could always hide away in their cocoon and become a beautiful untouched butterfly. That brought back far too many horrible memories. So, I broke down all over Keith again.
Times I cut myself: Three... It's been a tough day.
Mon, Feb. 2nd, 2004, 08:09 pm
I can see the fear and unhappiness burning through the backs of your eyes. You lay awake at night haunted by all of the "what ifs." If you only knew what a radiant jewel you have come to be for us all.
There you are, always sitting in the background. Afraid of the spot light lest it should shine through. Exposing your secrets to the world. Your secrets are as beautiful as you are. If only you could know that.
Never lost control. People may see the real you and turn their backs. If only you knew how amazing you really are. You are a diamond hiding in the rough. Your beauty can never be stifled, no matter how hard you try.
Your sadness makes me ache. I would take it all away if only I could. I would show you the wonders of your secrets. The beauty of your scars. The radiance of your love. The warmth of your heart. I would be the balm for your wounds. The shoulder to cry on. The light in your darkness. I will be the mirror that shows your true value. My heart will bind your wounds and be your hiding place. One day I will prove my love.
Mon, Feb. 2nd, 2004, 03:42 am
Why must some people's paths be so much steeper than others? Full of genuine love and kindness, his own soul has betrayed him. Now he will be persecuted and ashamed. He is asked the same questions over and over. "What is it like to be you?" What is it like to be anyone? If we are all essentially the same, why am I so different? Stifle the pain when the jokes are tossed around. Laugh so no one can see the blood.
My tears ache for you. I know who you are. You will always be the same beautiful person to me. If ever you are lost, come to me and I will remind you of who you are and where you belong. You belong with us, the people who love you. The world will cut you to pieces to see what is wrong with you. But we know that you will always be who you are. So you're lost...aren't we all? Tell them all to piss off. You are loved and protected from their daggers and scalpels. Turn to us and you will always be accepted.
Sun, Feb. 1st, 2004, 11:17 pm
First best friend: Emily Holtgrewe
First real memory of something: Getting a new room for my birthday. I really wanted my parent's room because my room was tiny. "I think you guys would really like my room. I mean, yours is so much bigger and you don't really play as much as I do." I think I was 3 years old.
First real kiss: When I was 17. Keith kissed me before he left for his junior year of college.
First Job: Working for Gloria...uuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhh
First crush: the Karate Kid
First screen name: MasAvenger
First self purchased album: The Beatles - Abbey Road
First funeral: Charlie Jordan. He was the super friendly deacon at Bethel that handed out candy and was like everyone's grandpa.
First pets: Fizzy the hampster.
First piercing/tattoo: Ears
First credit card: I got my debit card last year.
First enemy: Amber Bradley
First big trip: Myrtle Beach, SC...Mitch puked all over everything.
First play/musical/performance: Litte Ms. Muffet in the fairy tale play at school.
Last cigarette: 2 weekends ago at the neighbor's. I don't really smoke anymore.
Last big car ride: Driving to Bolivar to see FIF. Drove through the Exotic Animal Paradise.
Last good cry: When Kyle left.
Last library book checked out: House of Leaves.
Last movie seen: Blow
Last beverage drank: Smirnoff Ice Tripple Black..drink of sissies...
Last food consumed: Sausage pizza from Papa John's
Last crush: Keith Saplin, my current fiancee
Last phone call made: Called my Mama.
Last TV show watched: COPS
Last time showered: This morning
Last shoes worn: Black walmart sneaks.
Last CD played: Maroon5 - Songs About Jane.
Last item bought: Tampons from Walgreens. =c )
Last annoyance: Keith talking about Springfield, MO.
Last soda drank: a Pepsi from Taco Bell
Last shirt worn: Blue Billabong dragon t-shirt.
Last website visited: http://www.patchthepirate.org/
Thu, Jan. 29th, 2004, 08:02 pm
Thursday, January 29, 2004
Oh you scrawny little alternative boys. You have no idea what you do to me. *In a tizzy*
Thu, Jan. 29th, 2004, 08:02 pm
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
—[four words that sum you up]: lazy as all hell
—[hairbrush]: black and red round brush
—[jewelry worn daily]: engagement rings, class ring, 2 metal flesh tunnels, and a superman naval ring.
—[Pillow cover]: Spongue Bob being shocked by a jellyfish. The other is Hawaiian print.
—[Wallet]: Blue Billabong
—[coffee cup]: absolutely huge dark blue mug/bowl.
—[Shoes]: right now? Black Wal-Mart sneaks.
—[Cologne/perfume]: Don’t wear it.
—[Clothing you have on]: Herm’s black Planetary – Local CMJ t-shirt, grey pajama pants.
—[Ready to move on]: shyeah
—[wishing]: I was eating breakfast right now.
—[After this]: I’ll hopefully take a nap.
—[Talking to]: No one. All the sane people are asleep.
—[fetishes]: Bags, piercings, dyed hair and perfectly plucked eyebrows.
—[Some favorite movies]: The Brave Little Toaster, any movie by Tim Burton, The Point, 28 days, Benji the hunted, American History X
—[something you're looking forward to]: sleep and finding a really great book to read.
—[Last thing you ate]: Chicken flavored Ramen noodles.
—[Something you’re afraid of]: Small spaced, things that are too damn big, dolls, dummies, the freaking mechanical band from Chucky Cheese’s, clowns and swimming in any body of water that I can’t see the bottom of.
—[If you could have any animal as a pet what would it be]:A crab.
—[Cities you don't mind moving too]: Terre Haute, IN, Dublin, Ireland, Philly, Seatle
—[some favorite foods]: Pot stickers, strawberry short cake, anything made with potatoes (what can I say, I’m Irish), beef Manhattan.
—[Something -or someone- you wish you could understand better]: Bipolar disorder
—[miss someone you haven't seen in a long time]: Jamie, Rhonda, Emily, Lisa, Ben Davis.
—[Ready to move on]: si
—[like candles]: No, I used to use them to burn myself, so they have sort of a bad association.
—[Like company]: Depends on who the company is.
—[Believe in soul mates]: yes
—[believe in love at first sight]: Kind of…maybe
—[believe in forgiveness]: yes
—[want to get married]: yes
—[want to have kids]: yes
—[adopt kids]: nope
—[ready to move on]: proceed
—IN THE LAST 24 HOURS HAVE YOU...—
—[bought something]: I rented a movie
—[gotten sick]: yes, of course.
—[Sang]: Yeah, I sang a pretty good Hermasong.
—[been kissed]: yes, I got a goodnight kiss from Herm.
—[Felt stupid]: Wow, I actually don’t think I have.
—[Wanted to tell someone you love them, but you didn't]: yeah, Andrew, Dadda and April.
—[Met someone new]: Nope
—[moved on]: I don’t think I really have anything to move on from.
—[Talked to an ex]: no
—[talked to someone you have a crush on]: Herm
—[had a serious talk]: yeah, with my mom and Justin.
—[Missed someone]: yeah, Keith and Kyle.
—[Hugged someone]: The Herm.
—[Argued with a parent(s)]: no
—[dreamt about someone you can't be with]: no
—[ready to move on]: you know it.
—[best girl friend(s)]: ummmmmm, Emily and Lauren I guess.
—[Best guy friend(s)]: Herm, Kyle and Andrew
—[hobbies]: Reading, writing, watching movies, watching any sort of music television, receiving comments.
—[Are the you the center of attention or a wallflower? Be honest]: wallflower
—[car you drive]: Green ’95 Chrysler Cirrus.
—[Would you rather be with friends or on a date]: With friends
—[job]: File clerk at the shop
—[attend church]: Yes, Bethel Baptist in Troy, Illinois.
—[Like being around people]: sometimes, yeah.
—[Ready to move on]: okay
—[who is your role model]: Hmm…Johnny Depp?
—[Pet peeves]: Food smacking, smarmy guys, prissy girls, condescension, uber slow driving, and those people that name everything Bob.
—[Ever liked someone you can't be with]: I don’t think so.
—[Ever lied to your best friend]: I hope not
—[ever wanted to get revenge on someone cause they hurt you]:Ooooooooooooooooooooh yeah...
—[cried over the opposite sex]: yes
—[rather have a relationship or a one night stand]: relationship
—[your favorite physical appearance on you]: that’s tough…my skinny fingers.
—[Are you happy with yourself]: I’m much happier than I was.
—[Are you happy with your life]: certain aspects.
—[But are you happy]: somewhat, yes.
—[What plans do you have for the future]: Find somewhere I can volunteer to help, get married, maybe take some nursing classes.
—[Who do you really hate]: I don’t know that I really hate anyone anymore
—[who's your least favorite family member]: Deb
—[who's your most trustworthy family member]: My mama
—[deep secret]: let’s not go there.
—[Ever liked Avril before everyone hated her]: Maybe a tiny bit…but not really
—[embarrassing moment]: I can’t seem to think of any.
—[Liked the quiz]: I might as well.
Thu, Jan. 29th, 2004, 07:59 pm
Thursday, January 22, 2004
I love watching movies that force you to appreciate and understand things you normally wouldn't allow yourself to. I watched 8 Mile tonight. I loved it. I've spent my whole life hating rap and everything ti stood for...but now I kind of understand. Yeah, they say a lot of angry and vulgare things when they're rapping...but that's what it's about. Whether we like it or not we can be very angry people. We all have to have our own ways of venting that anger. Rap is a very angry art form but I believe without it the best rappers would either go insane or become complete psychopaths. It is their way of expressing their anger. Not that it's all angry. I have a lot more respect for MCs now. What they do is amazing. I honestly see it as an incredible talent and amazing art form. I'll finish this entry when I'm on less benodryl.
Down with musical snobbery.
Thu, Jan. 29th, 2004, 07:58 pm
Sunday, January 18, 2004
"I'm in a very pooish kind of mood." -Keith
"Hey Dear, I think Toonses wants to drive." -SNL sketch
Thu, Jan. 29th, 2004, 07:58 pm
I've had a pretty kick ass weekend. Friday night was the best night I've had in a long long time. Chad and Keith were the only housemates in the state so the three of us had the house all to ourselves. And what does that mean? It's time for some boozin'. So, we went out and bought some whiskey for Keith and me and some sissy something or other for Chad. We hung out at the house for a while, then we moved the party out to the front porch and that's when the fun began. The neighbors came home quite drunk. They enjoy peeing on the side of their house when they're drunk. So, they invited us over and we had a great time. All of the Indiana people had fun playing whatever the hell the name of that card game is. Keith and me just sat and watched people and played with the kitty. They were really cool and uber friendly. They even asked if anyone would be offended if they smoked some pot. So, of course I spoke up and they were really cool with it. It's always fun impressing guys with my drinking habits and anti-feminism rants. They couldn't believe a girl was drinking whiskey straight from the bottle. What can I say...I love the stuff. Finally the party died down and people went back to their respective homes. I collapsted on the couch and was dead to the world. The next day the three of us spend all day nursing our hangovers. Which means, walking around in your pajamas with a comforter wrapped around you finding different places to sit and watch tv. Gainter came home with some movies and proceeded to get mighty smashed. So yeah, yesterday was a really cool laid back day. blaaaaaaaaah blah blah. I really don't have much to type...I just wanted to update this piece-o-crap. I'm out.