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Mon, Feb. 9th, 2004, 04:07 am
Things do get quite boring when everyone goes to sleep.

I know that everyone hates to read these stupid quiz results...but I love taking them.. You'll eventually find some way of dealing with it.

freshmint
You are Fresh Mint.
You are caring and friendly. You have a nurturing
personality and always help out a friend in
need. You are fairly outgoing, and always show
a friendly face. You truly care for other
people, and you show it. However, you may
neglect your own responsibilites or become over
involved in your friends' personal affairs.
Most Compatible With: Orange


Which Tic-Tac Flavor Are You?
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Fuckin' Aye! I took this same quiz 2 years ago...same result. My shrink disagrees.
HASH(0x88766b8)
borderline


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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Tell me...what do large braless breasts have to do with being lonely?
You represent... loneliness.
You represent... loneliness.
Always alone and always sad about it... unlike
angst, you don't have to look for a reason to
be miserable. You want to be in the company of
people but aren't sure how to act when you're
with them. Sometimes you have to make an
effort. You can't always wait for others to
come to you.


What feeling do you represent?
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Hmm...pierced septum...I just don't know.
Artistic
You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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Oh but I do love the Goldfinger cover.
99 Red Ballons
"99 Red Balloons" (by Nena)
99 Decision Street.
99 ministers meet.
To worry, worry, super-scurry.
Call the troops out in a hurry.
This is what we've waited for.
This is it boys, this is war.
The president is on the line
As 99 red balloons go by.


Which 80's Song Fits You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Yep, that sounds like chipper ol' me.
LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:polihi84
Your haiku:the world by the same
things that have almost killed
me in the background
Username:
Created by Grahame



I will get my revenge.

Apparently Janet Jacksons boob belongs here...
Circle I Limbo

General asshats, Dirty hippies, PETA Members
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Pop princesses, Scientologists
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Militant Vegans, bjork
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Clowns, Bill Clinton, Libertarians
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies, Rednecks
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Democrats, People who name everything Bob
Circle VII Burning Sands

Anti-war pansies, Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, Yoko Ono
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

NAMBLA Members, Misty's mom (child molester), Jason Boillot
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell




Um...I'm not exactly sure who my best male friend is...but...get off it.
what do they really think of you by purple
lj name
sex
age
your best friend thinksyou fancy him
your family thinkyou took the last cookie
strangers thinkyou'd look good naked
Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

Sun, Feb. 8th, 2004, 03:27 pm

YES Or NO

1.) You keep a diary: Yes

2.) You like to cook: I like to cook with Keith.

3.) You fold your underwear: When I get around to folding clothes, yes.

4.) You talk in your sleep: Only when I’m having horrible nightmares.

5.) You believe in Love: Of course.

Last..

1.) Movie you saw: Boondock Saints (Makes me proud to be Irish) and part of Donnie Darko.

2.) T.V. show u watched: MXE

3.) Song stuck in your head: Something by Tears for Fears, I don’t know the name.

4.) Person you've called: Probably Mom.

5.) Person that’s called you: Mom

6.) Person your thinking of: Keith. He just walked in the room.

Do..

1.) You drink: Of course, I’m Irish.

2.) You do drugs: No, only the assload that’s been prescribed by my psychiatrist.

3.) You smoke: Only cigars and pipes.

4.) You like cleaning: Sometimes.

5.) You write in cursive: Usually.

6.) Write in print: When I’m making lists for Herm on the board of random.

7.) You wish you could live somewhere else: Yes, Terre Haute, IN.

Number

1.) Of times In newspaper: Five or six.

2.) Of boys/girls kissed: One

3.) Of people you’ve slept with: One


4.) Of times you’ve had your heart broken: Once

5.) Of times you've been in love: Once

6.) Of things in my past I regret: Regret is pointless.

What…

1.) Do u hope to learn tomorrow: How the hell to understand my parents and their ridiculous logic.

2.) Is one risk your not willing to take: Succumbing to a selfish lifestyle as stupid as that sounds.

3.) Is your most alluring quality: Um…I don’t know. I’d like to think I get along well with people.

4.) Is one thing you've never done before: Um…made a trip to Indiana without pissing my parents of somehow. God only knows how that one works…

5.) Stereotype do you refuse to agree with: Yeah, pretty much all of them…

6.) Makes you laugh uncontrollably: Eddy Izzard.

Sat, Feb. 7th, 2004, 07:01 pm
Night Terrors

Well, the night terrors are definitely back with a vengeance. I had a nice few months without them.

Today's was especially traumatic. I'll leave out the stupid parts of the dream. In my dream all of my friends kept dying. Not just dying but being killed by these kids that turned evil. Anyway, that's not the important part. At the end it was just Jamie and me hiding from everyone in a room. I just kept kissing his face and hugging him. Jamie was one of the greatest friends I have every had. He died in a rock climbing accident in the summer of '99. This completely evil/crazy guy barges into the room. He has three guns, one for him, one for me and one for Jamie. He explains to us that he is going to give us each a gun and we must stand on opposite sides of the room and shoot each other. If we don't, the other will be horribly beaten and tortured until they die. I finally got Jamie back after all of these years of missing him horribly and now I have to kill him. I nearly lost my mind. Finally, the guy told us to start. So I stood there beside myself watching my finger pull the trigger. I watched the bullets shoot across the room, some hitting the wall some tearing through Jamie. I could feel the deep burn of his bullets ripping through me. In what seemed like a thousand years later he finally fell to the floor. I ran to him and laid down next to him. Our blood was running together. I looked into his eyes and watched his life slowly fade away.....again. Keith said when he came over to me I was sobbing and kept saying, "I love you. I'm so sorry." When I "woke up" I knew I was laying on the couch in Keith room but Jamie was still there lying next to me. I just kept petting his face and telling him I was so sorry as the tears poured out of my eyes. When I finally woke up for real I could still feel all of the blood that had covered me in the dream. So I went and took the hottest shower I have ever taken and scrubbed every inch of my body.

I wouldn't wish that hell on my worst enemy.

I love you Jamie. I still miss you like you'd never believe. K bye.

Fri, Feb. 6th, 2004, 02:26 pm
Headless melodrama

Oh god...my dreams have become a bad Canadian high school melodrama!! Degrassi, have at you! You're breaking the rules, Degrassi. Go on and pollute people's minds through television...sleep is mine. Though it is kind of cool that the headless horseman slipped in there somehow.

"I like you JT, but I'm only 12 and my parents won't let me date yet. Woe is me!" In comes the headless horseman to decapitate the lot.

Come to think of it... Degrassi, you can invade my dreams whenever you want. Just be sure to bring the headless horseman with you.

Fri, Feb. 6th, 2004, 08:51 am

I know last night's entry probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense to people. I know that conversation with my mom doesn't look so upsetting...but it was. One minute my parents will tell me that I am doing just fine and that they don't want me to worry about getting a job right now. The next minute they're yelling at me for being so irresponsible because I don't have a job and am not conforming to society. I'm just sick and tired of playing there games. They've made it quite clear these past few weeks that I'm not all that wanted back home. They'd rather I just stay here.

Keith got an incredible e-mail from his dad today. The e-mail was basically his dad telling him what a wonderful person he is and how much he admires him. I read it and couldn't help but cry. That's all I've ever wanted from my parents... Whatever...maybe I should just go against everything I feel and conform to whatever it is my parents want me to be. They tell me to just be myself, but when I am myself they tell me to conform. I'll never know what they want from me. They've worn me down. I'm just too tired to fight anymore

Fri, Feb. 6th, 2004, 04:57 am
Life, just leave me the fuck alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DCollins56: Can you find a doctor out there and just stay?
Poli Hi84: I'd rather not
DCollins56: You & Keith don't dp well separated?
Poli Hi84: I know, but you know that I don't believe in moving in with someone before we're married
Poli Hi84: besides, it's good for us to be apart sometimes
DCollins56: I'm not saying to have sex, but it you need each other
Poli Hi84: we'll be fine. I'm not going to move in with him.
Poli Hi84: I just don't think it's right
DCollins56: As long as you're nothaving sex, it's a whole different thing
DCollins56: If you're needed out there
Poli Hi84: I'm getting tired of being here anyway
DCollins56: OK
DCollins56: Have you tried looking for a part-time job and staying a whle?
Poli Hi84: I'm not ready to move
DCollins56: OK
DCollins56: I talked to Dr. Clyne and he said you will be better if you keep you mind busy. like working or taking classes
DCollins56: No pressure
DCollins56: I just want you to feel better
Poli Hi84: I am getting things figured out for myself. School is not what I need. I need to help people.
Poli Hi84: I need to volunteer at the humane's society or something
DCollins56: That would be great
DCollins56: But at some point you are going to have to support yourself.
Poli Hi84: I know that
DCollins56: I am honestly layig a bunch of crat on you. I just wasnt to seeyou get better.
Poli Hi84: what makes you think I'm not doing better?
DCollins56: Nothing
Poli Hi84: then what are you so worried about?
DCollins56: But as some point you are going to have join society
Poli Hi84: why?
DCollins56: bacause that's how life works--for you and Keith
DCollins56: I'm really not coming down on you
DCollins56: You do what's right
Poli Hi84: I will get a job when I need to. Right now I don't need to. I know what is good for me. I don't fit into society's mold, you know that. I never have.
DCollins56: OK
DCollins56: Working with animals would be wonderful for you
Poli Hi84: to me, a job is simply a means of getting money. When Keith and me get married I will definitely get a job
Poli Hi84: you really don't have anything to worry about, I'm doing really well.
DCollins56: OK
Poli Hi84: when did you talk to Dr. Clyne about me?
DCollins56: I had an appointment Tuesday.
DCollins56: It's hard as a parent to know what to do
Poli Hi84: eventually you guys are going to have to believe me when I say I am doing alright.
DCollins56: OK
DCollins56: But you're not always going to have a car and insurance
DCollins56: What will you do then?
Poli Hi84: what do you mean?
DCollins56: Our insurance can only cover you for a certain period of time andthen you are goingto to have to come up with something different
DCollins56: I'm not laying all this on you to upset you. You just have to think about the future
Poli Hi84: can't I have a break from worrying about that stuff all the time?
DCollins56: I don't think so
DCollins56: I'm going to go watch the movie. I don't want to upset you

Too freaking late, Mom...

Nothing makes me want to bleed more than being haunted by the same things that have almost killed me in the past.

Thu, Feb. 5th, 2004, 08:35 pm

Meals eaten today: One

Times I've wanted to cut today: Constantly

I'm not going home today like I thought. I decided to stay the weekend. Luckily I got an e-mail from my mom telling me to stay here today because the weather is too bad at home. So, at least I don't have to face the parents yet. Still have to live with myself though...hmm.

Thu, Feb. 5th, 2004, 02:22 pm
Yeah...I dunno.

My Celebrity Family by popstarprincess
Your Name
MomHalle Berry
DadJon Bon Jovi
BrotherJonathan Taylor Thomas
SisterCameron Diaz
BoyfriendJohnny Depp
Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

Thu, Feb. 5th, 2004, 01:53 am

Cigars smoked today: Zero

Meals eaten today: Two

Crying episodes had today: One. Keith may be moving to Tulsa or Texas to get a job in the next few weeks. About lost my mind over that one. If he does move he'll be gone until next school year. I'll know I'll be able to visit...but there will be no camping, no fishing, no parcel hut... Bawled my eyes out all over Keith's shirt.

Times I felt hopeless: Two

Times I felt like cutting: Two

Wed, Feb. 4th, 2004, 11:35 pm

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Cigars smoked today: Three

Meals eaten: Three

Crying episodes: Two - Tried to watch My First Mister again but I had to stop because it reminded me too much of Jamie. After he died I had this horrible picture of him laying at the bottom of the cliff he fell off of. His father is at the top of the cliff looking down at his broken son. Jamie reaches for his father and then his arm falls to his side and his eyes close for the last time. Watching that movie made that image come back into my head and I broke down crying all over Keith.

The second crying episode was while watching Patch Adams with Keith. I broke down during the part where Carin is talking about how men have been "attracted" to her all her life. She envied the catapillers because no matter who they were or what happened to them they could always hide away in their cocoon and become a beautiful untouched butterfly. That brought back far too many horrible memories. So, I broke down all over Keith again.

Times I cut myself: Three... It's been a tough day.

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